The Power of the Kneeling Man

“The Power of the Kneeling Man“ was written for BDSMforyou.nl by Mistress Moriah.

19 November – International Men's Day

19 November is International Men's Day. A good opportunity to pause and reflect on masculinity, on the expectations we have of men as a society and on the prejudices that still cling to them. And because this is BDSMforyou, I would like to use this day to draw attention to a group of men who, in my opinion, receive far too little recognition. Men who don't let themselves be guided by the traditional image of masculinity, who dare to show their vulnerability and who are able to submit voluntarily to another person. Today I want to talk about the submissive man.

Self-confidence, decisiveness, character

Because what is it with our society? Why do we generally see a man who takes the lead as strong and tough, while a man who kneels voluntarily quickly gets labelled weak? Why is dominance associated with self-confidence, decisiveness and character, while submission apparently says something about a lack of them? As if one automatically ranks above the other, even outside the dynamic in which both have voluntarily chosen their place.

I see it very differently. In fact, I believe an enormous strength can radiate from a truly submissive man. A strength that is perhaps less visible, because it doesn't express itself in dominating others. It is the strength of someone who draws his self-worth from within, who doesn't constantly have to prove himself and who dares to let go of his ego.

A man who can descend into nothingness, who dares to make himself completely dependent and can place another person on a pedestal without falling off himself.

I find that impressive.

When is a man actually a real man?

We grow up with all kinds of images of how a man should be. He must be strong, take responsibility, stand up for himself and above all not show too much emotion. Crying is for wimps, dependence is a weakness and anyone who lets himself be dominated apparently has no backbone. Of course, those views have changed considerably over the past decades, but let's not pretend they have disappeared. They are still deeply embedded in our society and are sometimes even passed on without us being aware of it.

Just look at the way we talk about men. A man who keeps his wife firmly under his thumb may still be seen as a real man in certain circles. But when that same man says he likes to kneel at his wife's feet, wants to serve her and gets satisfaction from putting her wishes above his own, the tone of the conversation probably changes quite a bit. Suddenly question marks are placed over his masculinity. Is he really a proper man? Does he let people walk all over him? Does he perhaps have no say at home?

As if masculinity is something you can lose by voluntarily giving someone else the lead. I find that a strange thought. Because when is a man actually a real man? Who decides that? And why would the way someone experiences his personal desires detract from his worth as a human being?

The man who no longer has anything to prove

In my experience, there is a special strength in men who have truly embraced their own submissiveness. I'm talking about men who know themselves, who know what they desire and who are no longer fighting their own feelings. Men who don't regard their submissiveness as something to be ashamed of, but as an essential part of who they are.

That is often preceded by a long development. Because it is quite something to discover that your deepest desires may not fit the image the outside world has of you at all. That as a man you can long for dependence, surrender, servitude or even humiliation, while at the same time being perfectly capable of shaping your own life. That you can be successful in society, carry responsibilities and make decisions independently, yet within a D/s dynamic long for someone who tells you what to do.

For some men it is a years-long struggle to unite those different sides of themselves. They try to tuck their desires away, rationalise them or look for explanations for why they feel what they feel. As if something went wrong somewhere, so that they don't live up to the traditional image of masculinity.

But what is there to explain, really? Why would a man who longs for submission be less masculine than a man who longs for dominance?

I find it especially remarkable when a man can say at some point: this is me. Without excuses, without shame and without the need to defend his desires to the whole world. He has found his self-worth within himself and no longer needs to collect the approval of others for it.

Kneeling without losing yourself

Perhaps this is the most important thing I want to say about male submission. Because there is often confusion about what it means when a man submits. As if he automatically hands in his personality, independence and self-worth. As if the one who kneels is by definition worth less than the one he kneels for. To me, that is a completely wrong interpretation of submission.

When a man kneels for me voluntarily, he doesn't have to give up any of his human worth. He can set his pride aside, let go of his ego and surrender completely to my guidance. Within our dynamic he may even long for a situation in which he has no say at all, in which he is completely dependent on my decisions and in which his own wishes are temporarily subordinate to mine. But that doesn't mean he becomes less as a human being.

In fact, it is precisely the ability to allow that dependence without losing his self-worth that I consider a remarkable sign of inner strength. He doesn't need to make himself bigger by keeping me small. He can place me on a pedestal without falling off himself. Within our dynamic he can let himself be reduced to nothing, while deep inside he knows his worth as a human being remains untouched.

That is a fundamental difference from someone who submits because he truly believes he is worthless. Because submission born of self-awareness is something quite different from submission born of self-contempt. Of course feelings of inferiority, insecurity or shame can be part of someone's experience. That deserves attention and understanding too. But for me, the beauty of conscious surrender lies precisely in the fact that someone knows who he is and, from that certainty, dares to let go.

Prejudice exists within BDSM too

It would be easy to point only at the outside world, but let's also take a critical look at our own BDSM community. Because there too I regularly come across views that surprise me. As if a Dominant is automatically stronger, more intelligent or more valuable than a submissive. As if the position someone takes within a D/s dynamic says something about his social status or personal qualities.

A Dominant is often admired for his presence, self-assurance and ability to lead. There is nothing wrong with that in itself. But why couldn't we look with the same admiration at a submissive who has the courage to show his vulnerability? At someone who dares to put his trust entirely in another's hands? At a man who dares to expose himself emotionally, while knowing full well that this very vulnerability can also leave him hurt?

Over the years I have met dominant men who did not stand nearly as firmly in their shoes as their attitude suggested. Men who seemed to need their dominance to feel important, who struggled with contradiction or who used their position to conceal their own insecurities. And I have met submissive men who radiated an enormous inner calm, who knew exactly who they were and who had no need whatsoever to place themselves above anyone else.

The reverse examples exist just as much, of course. A dominant man can be a wonderfully self-aware person and a submissive man can struggle with his insecurities. The chosen role says nothing about that in itself.

That is why I find it so strange when we automatically place dominance on a higher plane than submission. Within a D/s dynamic we can consciously choose a power difference, but that doesn't make us unequal as people.

The courage to be vulnerable

Vulnerability is often seen as the opposite of strength. I actually find that a strange contrast, because showing vulnerability can take quite a lot of courage. Especially when you have grown up as a man with the message that you must above all be strong and keep your emotions to yourself as much as possible.

A submissive man who truly dares to surrender sometimes shows sides of himself that he has kept hidden from the outside world for years. His insecurities, his fears, his deepest desires and perhaps even his shame. He gives another person the chance to see him at moments when he can no longer hide behind his usual social role.

That takes trust. And trust is quite something, especially when you give someone the ability to hurt you emotionally.

Of course, that surrender is not a given, and certainly not a free pass for a Dominant to treat someone carelessly. Precisely when a submissive makes himself so vulnerable, an enormous responsibility rests on the person who is given the lead. They must understand what is being entrusted to them and handle the other's limits, feelings and safety with care.

I therefore regard a submissive's trust as something precious. Something you can earn, but never simply claim. And certainly not something you are automatically entitled to as a Dominant.

The power of nothingness

There is something fascinating in the idea that a person can voluntarily give up everything by which he normally defines himself. His social position, his achievements, his responsibilities, his need for control and perhaps even his pride.

Within an intense D/s dynamic, a submissive can long for a state in which all those things temporarily no longer matter. In which he doesn't have to be a director, entrepreneur, father, husband or successful businessman. In which he doesn't have to make decisions, live up to expectations or constantly wonder whether he measures up.

In which he is simply allowed to be what he longs to be at that moment: submissive. Perhaps even nothing.

And it is precisely that nothingness I find so interesting. Because how can you efface yourself completely without truly losing yourself? How can you give someone else so much power and still remain inwardly free? How can you let go of your pride without losing your dignity?

I think the answer lies largely in self-awareness. When you know who you are, you don't have to constantly cling to outward confirmation of it. You can temporarily step away from your usual position, because you know it doesn't determine your worth as a person.

The man who kneels for me doesn't have to prove anything to me about his social success. His bank account doesn't interest me at that moment, nor does his job title. I want to meet the person hiding behind all those outward features. And when he allows me to truly see that person, I regard it as a special gift.

Submission is not a competition in self-sacrifice

Still, I want to add an important caveat here. Because as much as I admire the strength of conscious submission, I don't believe a man should measure his worth as a submissive by how much he is willing to sacrifice.

Enduring more pain doesn't automatically make you a better sub. Having fewer limits doesn't either. And effacing yourself completely in the hope of earning a Dominant's love, attention or approval is, as far as I'm concerned, no proof of special devotion.

Sometimes I see men who want so badly to live up to the image of the perfect submissive that they lose sight of themselves. They want to be able to do everything, endure everything and above all never disappoint. They may think they are only truly submissive when they no longer object to anything.

But why would you have to harm yourself to prove that you want to serve someone?

For me, the beauty of submission lies precisely in its voluntariness. In the conscious desire to serve another, out of your own inner conviction. And that includes being allowed to have your limits, set your own pace and keep taking yourself seriously.

A man doesn't have to be able or willing to do everything to be a valuable submissive. His sincerity, reliability, self-knowledge and willingness to grow tell me far more, in the end, than an impressive list of things he would dare to undergo.

My admiration for the kneeling man

Over the years I have had the privilege of meeting quite a few submissive men. Each with his own story, desires, insecurities and motives. Some men were still at the very start of their journey of discovery, others had given their submissiveness a natural place in their lives for years.

What touches me most are the men who dare to be themselves. Who no longer try to fit their desires into the image others have of them. Who understand that their submissiveness is not a shortcoming and that they don't lose their masculinity when they submit to a woman.

I can genuinely feel admiration for a man who kneels for me and holds nothing back. Who dares to let go of his ego, shows his vulnerability and gives me the trust to lead him within our dynamic. A man who can place me on a pedestal without feeling that it makes him any less.

Because ultimately his kneeling posture tells me nothing about his worth as a human being. That is determined by who he is, how he treats others, how he carries his responsibilities and how he treats himself and the people around him.

His submissiveness is part of that. Sometimes a very important part. But never the measure of his human worth.

And perhaps that is exactly why I can see so much strength in a man who kneels voluntarily. Because he no longer needs to depend on the approval of an outside world that believes it can decide how a real man should behave.

An ode to men who dare to kneel

On this International Men's Day, I would therefore like to express my appreciation for submissive men. For the men who have dared to explore their desires, who have confronted their own shame and who have ultimately found the courage to accept themselves.

For the men who still wonder whether something is wrong with them, because their desires don't match what society expects of them. For the men who are forced to keep their submissiveness hidden, because they fear rejection, incomprehension or the loss of their social position.

And of course for the men who have by now found their own way and experience their submissiveness with pride, pleasure and conviction.

I hope a time will come when we stop measuring masculinity by the amount of power a man can exert over others. When we understand that strength has many faces and that someone who voluntarily hands over control does not automatically lose his independence or dignity.

A man may be strong. He may be vulnerable. He may lead and he may be led. He may explore his desires and give his own meaning to what masculinity means to him.

And if that meaning is that he would most like to kneel at a woman's feet, then in my eyes that makes him not one bit less of a man.

Perhaps a man's greatest freedom ultimately lies in realising that he no longer has anything at all to prove about his masculinity.

To all the men who dare to kneel: I wish you a wonderful International Men's Day.

Mistress Moriah