Consent in BDSM: what can ordinary relationships learn from it?

“Consent in BDSM: what can ordinary relationships learn from it?“ was written for BDSMforyou.nl by Mistress Moriah. About good agreements, clear communication, trust and the need to be truly seen.

Within BDSM, consent is one of the most important foundations on which a healthy dynamic rests. We talk about limits, discuss expectations, make agreements and try to understand what the other person needs. That may sound obvious, but how many people actually do this within their romantic relationship? How often do we assume that our partner surely understands what we mean, feel or desire?

I would even go so far as to say that many people in a BDSM dynamic deal more consciously with certain aspects of their relationship than people in a traditional romantic relationship. Not because BDSM people make better partners, since plenty goes wrong in our world too, but because the nature of our dynamic calls for conversations that often remain undiscussed in other relationships. And perhaps there is something to be learned from that.

Consent is so much more than permission

When people think of consent, they usually think of permission for sexual acts. But within BDSM it goes much further. For me, consent means that you take the other person seriously as an independent human being, with their own feelings, needs, desires and limits.

A submissive who voluntarily submits to my authority does not stop being a person with needs of his own. His submission does not give me a free pass to ignore his feelings. On the contrary, precisely because he dares to make himself vulnerable and dependent, I have a greater responsibility to handle his trust with care.

That principle should be a matter of course within every relationship. Your partner is not an extension of yourself, and their love does not mean you are entitled to everything. Even within a marriage of thirty years, consent remains important.

Good agreements prevent disappointment

Within BDSM, we find it normal to make agreements in advance. We discuss expectations, limits and how we deal with situations in which something goes differently than expected.

In ordinary relationships, many expectations remain unspoken. One person expects his partner to see by herself that something is bothering him. Another feels that certain household tasks should be divided automatically. Yet another longs for more attention or intimacy, but hardly ever says so. Disappointment then arises when the other person does not live up to those expectations.

But how fair is that, really? How can you blame someone for not understanding your needs when you have never made clear what those needs are? A good agreement does not have to be complicated at all. Sometimes it begins with the simple question: What do you actually need from me to feel comfortable within our relationship?

Seeing each other and being truly seen

There is a big difference between looking at someone and truly seeing them. You can live with someone for years and still barely know what is going on deep inside the other person. We get used to each other's presence and think we know each other so well that we increasingly fill in for ourselves what the other means.

Attention plays a major role in BDSM. When I am working with a submissive, I watch his body language, his breathing and small changes in his posture. Sometimes someone does not say straight away that he is struggling with something, for example because he is afraid of disappointing.

That demands involvement, but also communication. Because however well I think I understand someone, I cannot read minds. In ordinary relationships too, we could ask a little more often what is really going on, instead of jumping straight to conclusions. Sometimes being seen is nothing more complicated than noticing that someone is genuinely interested in what hides behind your smile.

Respecting limits, even when you don't understand them

An important lesson within BDSM is that you do not have to understand every limit in order to respect it. What feels completely harmless to one person can be extremely confronting for another. Perhaps because of earlier experiences, personal convictions, or simply because something does not feel good.

Such differences exist in romantic relationships too. One partner needs physical closeness when he is sad, while the other wants to be left alone for a while.

When you love someone, it does not mean you automatically have the same needs. And a limit is not an invitation to keep negotiating until the other gives in.

A no remains a no, even when you would rather have heard a yes.

Trust is built by what you do

Within BDSM, trust is indispensable. But trust does not arise because someone keeps telling you he is trustworthy. It grows through experiences, agreements that are kept and limits that are respected.

When I tell a submissive that he may state his limits, he must be able to trust that I will handle them with care. Even when his limit disrupts my plans.

In ordinary relationships it works in exactly the same way. You can say a hundred times that your partner can discuss anything with you, but if you get angry as soon as he tells you something vulnerable, he will ultimately share less and less with you. Trust grows when words and actions match.

Aftercare is not only for BDSM

Within BDSM we have aftercare. After an intense session, we take the time to come back to calm and pay attention to each other. Why would we limit that principle to BDSM?

Think of a serious row within a romantic relationship. Perhaps the conflict has been talked through, but have all the emotions disappeared with it? Sometimes someone still needs reassurance, a hug or a quiet conversation.

In ordinary relationships too, vulnerable moments deserve attention, even when the cause is now behind you.

The most beautiful lesson: keep choosing each other

Consent is not a one-off contract. People change, needs develop, and agreements that once felt right may need to be reviewed after a while.

Perhaps in ordinary relationships we should rely a little less on the idea that love will solve everything by itself. Love asks for attention, curiosity and the willingness to keep getting to know each other anew.

For me, the essence of consent lies in recognising that the other person is a human being in their own right. Someone you may love, cherish, guide or dominate, as long as that fits within voluntarily made agreements. Because however long you have been together, there is always something left to discover.

And perhaps that is the most beautiful form of consent: giving each other the space, every day anew, to choose each other voluntarily.

Mistress Moriah

© Image: BDSMforyou